Almost Worthless: Rocky Jones, Space Ranger Episode Two

This is part two of my review of the DVD of Rocky Jones, Space Ranger. It's really a subseries of my Almost Worthless project, so you may want to check my related hubs for details. Anyway, here we are again with the semi-delightful 1954 TV series that according to the package, "started it all". On the other hand, I stopped trusting the DVD package once I learned that the wrong actor was shown on the front.

Fellow Hubber Ranger Roger OverNOut (Space Station OW-9) was kind enough to point out that not only is this definitely not Rocky Jones, but the hyperstimulated Dippity-Do model on the left is actually one of the stars of a competing (and more successful) sci-fi program, Space Patrol. It's a little like buying a Bewitched DVD with Barbara Eden on the cover. And that's why it cost me fifty cents.

In the last installment, "Beyond the Curtain of Space: Chapter I", we were introduced to the self-serious Rocky Jones and his kind-hearted sidekick Winky, who are on a mission to save Professor Something and his young ward, who are being held hostage on an enemy planet. We also met the lovely Vena Ray, who may be a woman in a cape but knows 37 languages and has a navigation license. Stiil, Rocky doubts Vena's usefullness to the mission even after she saves the ship from an enemy attack. In return, Rocky saves her from asphixiation when she accidently locks herself out of the oxygen-infused ship. And at the end, the two bicker in a way that can only end in true love.

So let's see where our crew is now:

Hey, what do you know? They added an echo to the title! Now that's the wave of the future!

And now we meet little Bobby, the young ward. I'm going to rant for a moment: The whole "young ward" thing is very weird, and it's understandable why the term has faded in use. Maybe it's because of the word "warden" or the notion of a hospital ward, but it's most likely because the term "young ward" has become sexualized. For example, Johanna in Sweeney Todd is referred to as a young ward. (The jury's out, so to speak, on Batman and Robin. It depends on which incarnation portrays them. But in popular opinion, rather than think of Robin as Batman's attempt at having some kind of family besides Alfred, it's much more fun to see them as a gay couple.)

Then in 1980's television, equivalents of young wards took the form of adopted kids. No one called Punky Brewster or Arnold and Willis wards, and no one doubts that their family life was anything but innocent. Was the word "ward" put in place because adoption was so stigmatized? I don't know, and I digress.

In other news, Rocky Jones meets a new female foe whom he also mistakens for a useless woman: Czarina Cleolanta. Wow, they don't even try to avoid Cold War parallels with this one. You know she's a femme fatale, though, because she has dark hair and a low-cut dress, while the good angel Vena Ray has neither.

I have no idea what to make of this episode. For one thing, there's absolutely no suspense. At no time are you ever made to think maybe Rocky Jones and his crew won't succeed. The one unpredictable moment comes when Rocky reunites with Bobby and Bobby insists on staying on the planet Orphetius. Even though Bobby now speaks in a robotic monotone, which is the international sign of mind control, Rocky can't tell he's been hypnotized by the Orphetians.

Bobby's brainwashing only extends to when he's exposed to a blinking light, which makes it more like hypnosis, really. Oddly, Rocky doesn't want to force Bobby to return to Earth because "we go by the rule of freedom and a man's right to make his own decisions". Except that Bobby's not a man. He's ten. Rocky's not even hypnotized at this point. Considering how the U.S. fought to keep Elian Gonzales from returning to Cuba after the Cold War officially ended, this plot point doesn't make a lot of sense in historical conext. Or even the context of the show.

At least that mission's over. I can only hope the next episode is less confusing.

UPDATE: That mission, in fact, was not over. While I chose not to write a review of it, the third episode and final part of "Beyond the Curtain of Space" is now on the YouTube page.