Almost Worthless: Rocky Jones, Space Ranger Episode One

I can't end the project like this. I'm not going out with this used Kleenex of a movie. There will be another. I'm sure of that.

This is how I ended my last review, that of The Paper Man. It was a tedious movie to watch and a tedious movie to write about, and it was more than likely a tedious read as well. And despite my open-ended conclusion, I wasn't planning on writing any more of these. Then I saw this on sale for 50 cents at Wal-Mart and I could not resist. I mean, look at it.

No one can turn down AstroScope. And sure, I get the theme to Tracy Morgan's "Astronaut Jones" sketch stuck in my head when I look at this, but Rocky Jones's maniacally wholesome looks assure me that he would never pollute the moon with scotch, cigarettes, and orchestral music.

So let's return to a simpler time, the 1950's, when television was new, doctors sold cigarettes, rock and roll was evil, and nuclear warfare was imminent.

First of all, that is definitely not Rocky Jones on the DVD cover. In the show, Rocky Jones looks a little like a young Marlon Brando. The cover dude looks more like the miraculous love child of Joel Grey and Eddie Munster.

As I pointed out in my Santa Claus Conquers the Martians review, 1950's and 1960's sci-fi represented the unknown with a pretty uniform visual style. That said, astronauts wearing baseball caps is a new one for me. It makes sense, though. They have to keep the sun out of their eyes while they reverse-launch their spaceship in order to land. Somehow that last part doesn't seem right. I could be wrong. My knowledge of space travel is only slightly better than that of an average 1950's TV viewer.

It's strange, but I think Rocky Jones, Space Ranger is supposed to be a serious show. The sidekick Twinky or whatever his name is provides a little levity, but there are no intentional jokes. No wisecracking robots. No catchphrases. Vena Ray is a smart woman who isn't completely objectified. The plot involves Cold War-esque politics and a hostage situation. Luckily the fashion keeps all that in check. The look is part professional house painter, part bellhop, part Supergirl, and part boat captain. All with a dash of Flash Gordon. And all of it just so fierce.

Though the mission is to rescue two hostages, the main source of conflict is Rocky's disgust at having Vena Ray on board. She's a woman, and therefore useless even though she has a navigation license and can speak 37 languages, including Martian. It is refreshing, though, that the other men involved truly believe that she's just as necessary to the mission as Rocky, especially at a time when other women on TV were either shrews or dim-witted housewives. (Sorry, Lucy, but it's true.)

It all goes south when Rocky tells her to go knit him a sweater and she responds by saying she doesn't know to knit, but if she did, she'd knit him a muffler and tie it around his mouth. Bizarrely, she goes back to the navigation chamber and tries to teach herself to knit.

Shortly after that, she becomes the damsel in distress awaiting Rocky's rescue. It's not a huge surprise since he was the only one being a jerk to her, which usually means they're destined to fall madly in love like a proto-Han Solo and Princess Leia. It would have been nice to keep her independent for the first episode. That's expecting too much, I suppose.

Rocky Jones, Space Ranger is a decent show, but it's too soon to really judge whether it's as groundbreaking as the DVD says it is. (And I have yet to experience the miracle of AstroScope.) This episode starts out as a drama but ends like a screwball comedy. It's a tough call.

It would be interesting to see where it goes, though. Stay tuned.

UPDATE: Through imdb, I've learned that the sidekick's name is Winky.